Apologies and Acceptance. Two very difficult things for me to do.

Dear RPU,

I would like to apologize to you for not calling you for three days. I did try to call a few times the first day, but you were a tad busy, so I left a few messages for you. The second day I didn't call because I was fairly (and unfortunately) busy. Yesterday, I got up and had no time to call because of a meeting I had with my psychiatrist, and after that, my family and I went straight to the beach.

As I am typing this, I am realizing that I have absolutely been the worst best friend/sister in the entire world. I have a lot of myself that I need to work on, and I actually made a list of everything that I need to fix about myself.

Here's the list:

Things to Work On In Therapy

• Taking responsibility for my actions.
• Apologizing -- and meaning it (not doing it again).
• Eye contact.
• Self-love -- learning to love myself. **What is this supposed to look like?**
• Anger -- learning to control it. **What's causing this?**
• Assertiveness -- learning to speak assertively.
• Letting go of the past. -- I need to stop thriving on the past.
• Verbal communication.
• Learning empathy & how to show it.
• Memory -- need to remember things more.
• Patience -- with everything & everyone.
• Stop being so negative!
• Don't let little things bother you.

So, yeah. That's the list.

Now, I am sorry for upsetting you and for all the previous times that I've upset you. I am starting to realize that my actions don't just affect me, but they affect you, my family, everyone around me.

And when I heard that our relationship was starting to get a little toxic (technically a lot toxic), I was so disappointed in myself. I have been in a severely toxic relationship (been in several, actually), and I do not want you to ever feel the way that I did. It is not a good feeling, and, I'm going to be honest, it hurts.

So, I am going to be very, super, duper cheesy and corny right now because I know that it'll make you smile (and hopefully laugh).

I, Ella Cinder, refuse to let this sister-ship get any more toxic. I, Ella Cinder, have acknowledged that I fucked up and I need to fix my attitude, my actions, and learn to control my feelings. I, Ella Cinder, promise to change my ways, for the better, and not for the worst.

-- Ella Cinder